You judge yourself for having post-partum depression? I did it. I thought it was a failure as a mother. This only worsened my depression. I was already in hell, and I was falling into an abyss. I became hopeless, despondent and depressed. I could not make me feel better. I thought that if I had to change a diaper would drive off a cliff.
One of the things I had to do was stop judging MYSELF and my progress. I would like to look at other mothers around and always come to me. I would compare myself. This could be breast feed and I couldn't? How Come they seemed to manage sleep deprivation is better than what I did?
What was wrong with me? There were days and days and days where I really hated being a Mommy. I loved my daughter, but this work being a MOM was terrible and could never see myself "bitter work". I was a mess! It seemed as if all my friends "Mommy" have been enjoying and also love having a new nato. I was trying to "false" that was "enjoying this stage" when in fact, I was hating every minute. But just could not get the "right size" on my feelings. I couldn't let myself off the hook. Every day was painful. I was an emotional train wreck.
I sought treatment. Had not, I could have gone off the deep end (I was almost there anyway) my marriage would have failed and I have lost my daughter. Fortunately not these things happen. But the trip I had to take to get involved myself giving a huge break.
I am a survivor and knew that I would get "to the other side". It was a daunting task, very long, but the worst was behind me, although I didn't know that at the moment. It was really "one day at a time", learning the difference between reality and fantasy. And part of that fantasy is that somehow it was a horrible mother and any negative feelings I had about mothering only compounded my feelings of judgement.
In each session, my therapist would help me to recognize what was true and what was a fantasy. She was very patient with me. It was as if I had to refuse his perspective each time, until I could take it out and "wear" and realize that she was mostly right. I started putting the pieces of myself back together. As Humpty Dumpty. I was the victim of an accident, learn to walk again.
Eventually learn not to judge myself so mercilessly and giving myself a break, was able to create new pathways of the brain "and started a new belief systems. Over time, a lot of drama and negative thinking started to recede. I gained new tools for life and started to enjoy a more mental health over time.
Over time, I was able to look back and realize that I don't judge myself harshly as I had. And I started to see what other moms have struggled too and that's not really easy for anyone, any day of the week. Go through this process not only made me a better MOM ', but personally, I am a better and happier, more restrained woman. I'm not the same person I was before, I am a better incarnation of the "girl" I used to be.
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